Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. We Americans take ourselves way too seriously, always getting upset over the implications of having fun. That’s why I look forward to October 31 every year, since it gives us all a chance to relax and have some fun. But even Halloween has been polluted by do-gooders and jerks. Therefore, I present to you my top ten Halloween pet peeves.
He’s so cute! Can I take a picture?
People who act like they’ve never seen a kid in a costume before just confuse me. I mean, it’s Halloween and your house is decorated with pumpkins and ghosts. There are eight hundred kids crawling the streets, and you are going to gush over every single one of them? Bonus peeve: There’s no way in the world that I will let some stranger take a picture of my kid (though apparently, I’ll let them give him some candy)!
I’ll be right there!
Trick-or-treat time only lasts about an hour and a half. If you are going to participate, why not just hang out by the door? Do my kids really have to ring your bell and hang around while you walk up from the basement? And what were you doing down there, anyway?
I’m collecting candy for my kid (who isn’t here)
If your kid isn’t here, he doesn’t get candy. It’s not like we’re giving out gold coins or something. If he can’t trick-or-treat because he’s sick or tired or somewhere else, does he really need a “fun size” chocolate bar? Or perhaps the next peeve applies, and you’re trying to be clever.
I’m collecting candy with my kid (who is right here)
At least you’re not lying about the sick, missing kid who’s supposed to be eating the candy you’re asking for. But trick-or-treat is for kids, not adults. If you really want some candy, too, just steal some of his when he gets home. Or wait for him to set aside the Bit-o-Honey and Dots and eat those.
Halloween is against my religion!
It’s amazing how often I hear this argument, and it annoys me no end. Seriously? You’re against a holiday where six-year-olds put on Power Rangers costumes, run around the neighborhood, and get candy? It’s not like anyone dresses as a devil anymore, and where’s the harm in it even if they do? Halloween is not a Satanic ritual, it’s a fun way to let off steam. Why not help the homeless, feed the hungry, and fight real evil instead of raining on the parade?
Trick or treat will be held on the 29th this year
Trick-or-treating is part of Halloween, and Halloween is October 31. I understand the motives of those who would change the day of trick-or-treating better to fit busy lives and sports schedules. But I wish they would leave the date alone. You wouldn’t reschedule New Year’s Day to make it more convenient, would you? Rescheduling trick-or-treating just makes it more confusing for everyone involved, and it opens the door to “candy hounds” who move from neighborhood to neighborhood, night to night.
Huh? What? Halloween?
Seriously, folks, this comes around every year. I’m happy to forgive my neighbors who have immigrated from other countries, but there’s no excuse for old-timers to overlook Halloween. I’m not advocating house-egging or off label uses of toilet paper, but how about grabbing a bag of candy and throwing it into a bowl? And if you’re really not going to participate, shut off your porch light. That’s kind of a universal symbol for party pooper.
I’m driving my kids to every house
If you live out in the country, I suppose it’s helpful for mom and dad to drive you to the neighbors house. But my neighborhood has sidewalks and street lights, and you could hit my neighbor’s house with a popcorn ball if you’re over eight. Why not let your little demon walk off some of that candy in between houses?
Out of my way! I’m driving here!
Do you really have to zoom through my neighborhood at 50 mph the one evening it’s crawling with little munchkins? Turn on your lights, slow down, and stick to the main streets!
My dog loves strangers!
Lock up your dog! Seriously! Trick-or-treating must be incredibly stressful for dogs, with hordes of disguised children roaming the neighborhood and ringing the doorbell. No matter how friendly you think your dog is, I guarantee someone is terrified of him. And it’s only a matter of time before he freaks out and bites someone. For everyone’s safety, lock him up during trick-or-treat time.
Bonus non-peeve: Bring your kids!
No problem! As I said before, my neighborhood is nice, safe, and well lit. And we hand out the good candy! If you live out in the country, or worry about your kids’ safety, I’ve got no problem with you ringing my bell. I’m glad to bring a little joy into your life. Just don’t bring your dog!